ROANOKE, VA—Local claims adjuster David Seaborne, a devoted husband and father of three, died Tuesday at the age of 37 following a long and painful personal battle with a 512-pound eastern lowland gorilla.
This is one of the best Onion articles ever. Read the whole thing.
Should have found a common enemy like I did, me and my gorilla are good friends now, I was one of his groomsmen at his 4th wedding, good bloke.