So I moved back to my city after 7 years where my family lives.
It’s been 2 years but I never really enjoyed people here. Mostly people I met were from my previous circles, family, school friends and their partners.
I always thought something was off and maybe over time I will figure things out but it was just not happening.
Yesterday I went to dinner with my partners friends and damn it was whole different vibe. As if it’s a different culture. I really enjoyed talking and was genuinely interested in next meeting.
Resparked my joy in meeting people and I guess I was with wrong people and there are people who are out there who vibe match with me but it’s so hard to find them.
There’s a reason so many people who suffer from chronic loneliness are told to first join some kind of socially-integrated hobby, activity, or group: Doing something you already enjoy, in the company of other people who enjoy the same thing, is likely to bring you people you are more likely to vibe with.
One of the best possible ways to start actually finding people you enjoy being around is to go to activities that involve people with a similar set of interests to you. For example, if I go to my local hackerspaces/makerspaces, I’m going to find a fuck ton of people who are interested in the same technology as me, and that means I’m probably gonna find people that have similar interests overall.
The main problem is that with the major reduction in third places, and with things becoming more and more costly to do, (e.g. my nearest makerspace costs over $100/mo to be a part of) it’s hard to actually get into those social circles where you can meet people that you’ll actually like being around.
Absolutely! I just moved to a city that significantly sponsors third places, there are so many clubs and activities for free or almost (archery club fee at 45€/year, dojos go between 45€/semester to 100€, swimming pool at 2€/hour, film festivals for under 10€, knitting club and language club are free, additional discounts come with social security benefits). It makes such a difference! Meeting people becomes seamless when costs are not a constraint. It has been so much easier to build a social net.
Previously I was in a big business city. Everything costs so much, it was hard to justify. Free activities were few and far between. After years there, all my social contacts were through my work.
I remember reading somewhere that you should combine this (doing an activity) with wearing something that signals another interest. The idea is that you’ll potentially find people where you already have 2 common interests. For example, going to this hackerspace with a concert t-shirt for one of your favourite bands. And lastly, if you want a deeper connection, you can’t be afraid to be vulnerable.
Yeah it’s hard to stay motivated when you keep on meeting just acquaintances
I guess it’s like a good doctor or therapist you gotta just keep on trying and hope you find one among all the rest…
Yeah, and even among your people there may be some measure of discomfort.
I really miss how friendships and socializing used to be before social media.
Yeah, I agree it’s really social media shit.
I had no problems socializing 10-20 years ago. Now it’s incredibly difficult because people don’t really want to socialize anymore so much as be validated incessantly. It’s warped people’s brains to think any minor discomfort is this horrible thing, and anyone who disagrees with you is a raging asshole.
In my college days I used to like being around people who disagreed with me and talking about those disagreements. That is how I made most of my friends Now that is all but impossible. The second you disagree now, no matter how trivial, people demonize you and start saying crazy over the top conclusions about how evil and awful you are.
Literally, I’ve had many of my dates the past few years scream at me what a racist piece of shit I am for the books I read, and also for the books I don’t read. Mostly because I read classics and to people’s mind anyone author born before 1970 is a racist piece of shit or something. I do not understand how people have normalized this insanity.
People get distracted so easily now.
Honestly every gathering should have people leave their phones in a locker at the door. Guarantee it’ll be more fun.
I actually don’t bring my phone when I leave the house. Especially if it’s for a short trip under an hour or 2.
It blows people’s minds and they immediately start lecturing me how stupid, rude and irresponsible it is. What if someone texts me and I can’t reply for a few hours? THE HORROR.
I think the larger problem is that a huge portion of our planets current inhabitants don’t know how to have a conversation. I’ve tried so hard to have actual conversations to go deeper than “the weather/work/kids/etc.” It seems almost impossible to find someone who can not only think for themselves, but also think of something to CONTRIBUTE to the conversation.
It always goes like this (where I am from):
Me - (sees a few tattoos on their person) “I see you have some tattoos! Do they hold any special meaning to you, or did you just think they’d look good/cool? :)”
Them - “I just thought they were cool.”
Literally it. In the same position, even from someone who doesn’t like talking either, I would ask if the person asking about my tattoos has any. It’s really as simple as that for most people, or could be, I should say.
I stopped putting so much time into trying to open doors for actual conversation a few years ago when I realized people just don’t know how to talk to actual humans any more. It’s fucking weird.
*I understand some people have issues with social activities, and no harm done. This is a very common thing though, and I just don’t believe 90% of people who I have interacted with are those types of people, if you know what I mean?
